Because you’re hurt, upset, angry, feel disconnected from him and are desperately wanting the truth…
It’s normal and natural that you do this and use it as a coping strategy for dealing with a man who you think is hiding something, withholding the truth and possibly telling you lies or cheating on you right before your very eyes.
But here’s the problem if you’re doing this…
If you’re doing this and he IS lying and cheating on you, then it will make getting to the truth much more difficult (if not impossible) than if you’re not doing it.
If you’re doing this and he’s NOT lying to you or cheating, then you may be doing something that is causing damage to your relationship or marriage that may not be fixable.
So, what is this BIG mistake we’re talking about?
It’s harassing him, badgering him, arguing with him, fighting and yelling with him to try to get him to own up to the “truth,” get him to admit his cheating ways, prove to him how bad he’s been, how wrong he is and get him to come crawling back to you on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness for how much he’s hurt you.
Of course we’re exaggerating a little bit for effect here to help you get our point–but here’s what we’ve found…
After working with hundreds of couples in our Relationship Breakthrough coaching practice, we can absolutely tell you that a huge mistake is to be constantly harassing your partner and making all kinds of accusations about what you think he’s doing or how wrong you think he’s done you– without any proof of your accusations.
If you’re like most women we coach, you’re probably saying to yourself right now that this “Isn’t you,” “You’re not doing this” or one of our favorites… “He deserves everything he gets.”
As coaches who have seen this exact situation played out many times, we can tell you that even if you THINK you’re not treating him in this way, you probably are and don’t realize it.
No matter whether you end up finding out he truly is lying to you and cheating on you
or he’s totally innocent…
Now is NOT the time to be yelling at him, arguing with him or accusing him of anything UNTIL you have all the facts.
And here’s why…
If you’re throwing out accusations about what you think he’s doing but can’t yet prove it, he’s going to do the equivalent of what a wild animal would do when cornered–come out fighting.
In a situation like this, we can guarantee you that he will dig in his heels, deny everything and most likely turn it around on you and say that you’re the one in the relationship with the problem, tell you he’s done nothing wrong and that you’re the one who is “crazy.”
You may have already heard those words come out of his mouth.
The problem that this creates is that these constant accusations make him hyper-aware, on-guard and super-sensitive and will make proving that he’s lying or cheating that much more difficult.
It will make rebuilding trust more difficult and the relationship harder to repair if you decide to stay together.
If he’s truly innocent and your investigation bears out that he is NOT lying or cheating and you have been yelling, arguing and accusing him of cheating–then all these accusations you’re making could be doing irreparable damage to the relationship that you’ll be sorry about later.
The fact is, there is a right way and a wrong way to talk to a man you think is lying to you or cheating on you and the worst mistake you can make in this situation is to accuse him of anything until you have the facts.